I have been thinking about blogging for months now and just haven't done it. I feel like I do a disservice to the purpose of this blog by only writing when I'm having a bad time of it. I want to do a better job at writing during the ok, and even great, times in my life.
One of the things recently that pushed me to writing was Carrie Fisher's death. She was very open about her mental illness and was not afraid to talk about it and laugh at herself, when appropriate. I still struggle with being open about it in person. It is easier for me to sit here behind the computer screen when I don't have to look people in the face and tell them what this life is like.
This is often my hardest time of year. Right now, though, the depression seems to have kept itself at bay for a while. The anxiety is what has made life a little difficult some days. In particular, I've had a lot of trouble going back to work after a break. In September, after summer break, I was physically ill for the first three weeks or so. In both November, after Thanksgiving, and just this week, I have gotten so anxious about going back to work that I was completely exhausted after the first day. The only way I can think of to explain it, is to tell you to tense your entire body up, then hold it that way for about 9 hours. I've run into the problem, again, of knowing I can't call in and say "Hey, I'm tired, I can't make it to work," but also knowing that I'm not functional.
This is also the time of year that everyone makes resolutions, or doesn't because they're too cliche, or makes resolutions but doesn't call them that because that's too cliche, or... At any rate, I'm no different from anyone else in feeling that there are things I want to improve upon. But one thing I have seen a lot of is the idea of choosing to be happy. I see memes and posts about this year 'round, but it seems I notice them more around the holidays. I can't tell you how much I would love to be able to choose happy everyday. Now, as I said, I'm not doing too badly, and I have more good days than bad, but if I'm in a funk, there is no choosing. I don't get that choice because my brain just won't let me. During the really low times, I wouldn't even categorize myself as "sad". My depression and anxiety come out as resignation. I don't really have emotions of any kind and often don't talk. I just have silent thoughts of worthlessness, helplessness and paranoia.
Please don't take this as me saying there's nothing I can do to help myself. For one, I have the biggest support in the world in Jonathan. He knows me well enough to get me whatever it is I need, even if I don't want to need it. I also can fight it. I don't always win, but that doesn't stop me from trying. A lot of people will compare mental illness to other illnesses and say things like, "You wouldn't tell someone with cancer to just get over it." No, you wouldn't. But you also wouldn't tell them it's ok to give up without a fight. So I fight. Every day I make the decision to fight again. Some days the fight is easy, and some days it sucks the life out of me. But I will keep fighting. I fight because, when I'm in a good place, I know that I have people and things to fight for: my husband, my little boy, my family, my friends, my cats, my job, and the list goes on. In remembering what is worth fighting for, I remember that I have worth also. Even on good days, I don't always believe that, but I continuously try to learn it.
If you've read this far, thank you. Writing this is therapeutic for me, but it also makes me feel like I'm doing the smallest thing to erase the negative stigma from mental illness. I write to show the reality of it, but also to show those who also suffer that it's possible to live a full life with it. I won't apologize for it, and I won't let it define me. It's only a part of who I am. I wish you all the happiest 2017.
Peace & Love,
Jenn
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