Four seasons

I love living in Wisconsin, I really do. My family is here, my husband's family is here, and I find that when we get to the end of one season, I am ready for the next. That is, except for winter. I was really disappointed not to have a white Christmas this year. In addition, and although I sound like a broken record, I dread winter. It is gray and lifeless and it sucks the life out of me.
Many people I know deal with SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). A lot of these people don't have other mental illness, but just simply get down during the winter months. For me, SAD goes beyond what any medication can help me with and I often have to just deal with it. This past week I saw many pictures and videos of people in tropical climates for their spring break. I can not even describe to you the longing I had to be in those places. And, as happens every year, I started wondering why we don't move. We had planned to at one point but it didn't work out, why don't we do it? If I really want to be healthy for good, this is what I need.
But here's the truth: there is no guarantee that moving would make me 100% healthy. And even if the sun did me good, what would being away from family and friends do? The truth is, there are no guarantees in life or in mental illness. We have to work hard to make the best of what we have. You all know there are days when I want to stay in bed all day. There are days in which I don't want to exist. (In case you haven't read my previous explanation of this, it is not a want to die, but a want to not be a part of the world or the people around me and remain in my own bubble.) There are days, like today, when I feel like doing nothing but am simultaneously bored and anxious out of my mind.
Does everyone remember yesterday in Wisconsin? That was pure hell for someone like me. I literally went from happy to unhappy in a matter of minutes. Snow, sun, rain, snow, sun, snow...UGH! It's exhausting! I think that's one big thing people don't understand about mental illness.  It.is.exhausting. Our minds our so busy all the time that we are constantly alert. It's like going on a long road trip. You've been sitting for 8 hours, but you've had to remain so alert that when you get home you're unbelievably tired. The other night I woke up in a panic about my students not being ready for their concert on May 2. Another night I woke up with the same fear about our musical. Some nights I wake up panicking about something I said to someone that they probably don't even remember. Hmmm, why don't I sleep well? :-)
But here I am, making the best of what I have while I can. I'm not perfect. I make mistakes, and I certainly have days that are better than others.  Despite the weather and the earlier anxiety, today is a good day. I will sit and enjoy it while I can.

Peace and love,

Jenn