Greetings! It's been a long time but I've been compelled lately to start writing again. There have been a number of factors that have led me to this: a concert my choir is performing on suicide prevention, recent suicides of friends of friends, and starting a new school year, which would have been Audrey's senior year.
If you're new here, I'm Jenn, and I am surviving with mental illness. Before I get started, I am not a medical professional. This is just my story. This is how I live, and survive, with the brain I was given. I was diagnosed with chronic depression at 15, generalized anxiety disorder a few years later, and a couple years ago (I'm 42 now), ADD. I started this blog originally to put the subject of mental illness out in the open. There are still so many people that won't talk about it. It's gotten better since I was in high school, but it is still a taboo topic. It's hard to tell someone that the thoughts in your head aren't "normal". It's hard to say, "Hey, I feel helpless, I feel hopeless, I need help." It's hard to explain to people what it feels like. For me, when I'm at my most depressed, my brain tells me that I'm worthless, that no one loves me, and, sometimes, that the world would be better off without me. When I'm at the peak of anxiety, just outside of an anxiety attack, think of how you feel when you're on a roller coaster that's about to go over the peak (no pun intended) and drop. It's that feeling, but all.the.time.
Recently, I've had more anxiety than depression. By the way, I have had the same doctor since I was 15, and that's been a HUGE part of the reason I'm able to talk about this. Anyway, I've kind of reached the max of meds on anxiety, and yet I still have that "roller coaster" feeling all day most days, but I'm learning some different ways to deal with it.
My point of this post, no matter how delayed, is that you CAN survive (and THRIVE!) with mental illness. Now, I'm aware that there are MANY conditions worse than mine that make this much harder, but I feel like my situation is not that uncommon, it's just not talked about. If you are reading this and you have anxiety or depression and you're feeling discouraged or hopeless, you CAN survive this! The biggest way I get through this is my support system. I have amazing friends that understand (and tolerate) my moodiness and quirks and love me anyway. I have an AMAZING family, some of whom deal with this themselves. My husband, who never dealt with this type of thing before he met me, knows all the signs of a "bad day". He asks me about it and makes sure I talk about it and don't get lost inside my own head. If you do not have this kind of a support system, FIND ONE NOW! If your friends and family don't understand, find a support group in your area. Call a help line. Hell, leave a message here and I will listen, I promise! The point is, there is someone who will listen and won't tell you you're crazy.
Also, I'm not talking about just finding this support system when/if you're feeling suicidal. If you've ever had a day where you just feel hopeless and unloved, find support. If you've had that "roller coaster" feeling for days at a time, find support. If you can't get out of bed and you don't know why, if you're crying for no reason, if you're in physical pain that makes no sense, or if you just need someone to talk to, FIND SUPPORT! Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Always remember, even when your brain tells you otherwise, you are loved.
I'll end this here, but I do plan to write more often. I've even considered doing a vlog or podcast so that people can see that a "normal" (I hate that word) life is possible with mental illness. There is support, there is help, and there is love. In the meantime, here's a song that I love to listen to, well anytime, but especially when I'm having a bad day. You Will be Found
Peace, light, and love,
Jenn
Tuesday, August 28, 2018
Thursday, January 5, 2017
Long time, no write
I have been thinking about blogging for months now and just haven't done it. I feel like I do a disservice to the purpose of this blog by only writing when I'm having a bad time of it. I want to do a better job at writing during the ok, and even great, times in my life.
One of the things recently that pushed me to writing was Carrie Fisher's death. She was very open about her mental illness and was not afraid to talk about it and laugh at herself, when appropriate. I still struggle with being open about it in person. It is easier for me to sit here behind the computer screen when I don't have to look people in the face and tell them what this life is like.
This is often my hardest time of year. Right now, though, the depression seems to have kept itself at bay for a while. The anxiety is what has made life a little difficult some days. In particular, I've had a lot of trouble going back to work after a break. In September, after summer break, I was physically ill for the first three weeks or so. In both November, after Thanksgiving, and just this week, I have gotten so anxious about going back to work that I was completely exhausted after the first day. The only way I can think of to explain it, is to tell you to tense your entire body up, then hold it that way for about 9 hours. I've run into the problem, again, of knowing I can't call in and say "Hey, I'm tired, I can't make it to work," but also knowing that I'm not functional.
This is also the time of year that everyone makes resolutions, or doesn't because they're too cliche, or makes resolutions but doesn't call them that because that's too cliche, or... At any rate, I'm no different from anyone else in feeling that there are things I want to improve upon. But one thing I have seen a lot of is the idea of choosing to be happy. I see memes and posts about this year 'round, but it seems I notice them more around the holidays. I can't tell you how much I would love to be able to choose happy everyday. Now, as I said, I'm not doing too badly, and I have more good days than bad, but if I'm in a funk, there is no choosing. I don't get that choice because my brain just won't let me. During the really low times, I wouldn't even categorize myself as "sad". My depression and anxiety come out as resignation. I don't really have emotions of any kind and often don't talk. I just have silent thoughts of worthlessness, helplessness and paranoia.
Please don't take this as me saying there's nothing I can do to help myself. For one, I have the biggest support in the world in Jonathan. He knows me well enough to get me whatever it is I need, even if I don't want to need it. I also can fight it. I don't always win, but that doesn't stop me from trying. A lot of people will compare mental illness to other illnesses and say things like, "You wouldn't tell someone with cancer to just get over it." No, you wouldn't. But you also wouldn't tell them it's ok to give up without a fight. So I fight. Every day I make the decision to fight again. Some days the fight is easy, and some days it sucks the life out of me. But I will keep fighting. I fight because, when I'm in a good place, I know that I have people and things to fight for: my husband, my little boy, my family, my friends, my cats, my job, and the list goes on. In remembering what is worth fighting for, I remember that I have worth also. Even on good days, I don't always believe that, but I continuously try to learn it.
If you've read this far, thank you. Writing this is therapeutic for me, but it also makes me feel like I'm doing the smallest thing to erase the negative stigma from mental illness. I write to show the reality of it, but also to show those who also suffer that it's possible to live a full life with it. I won't apologize for it, and I won't let it define me. It's only a part of who I am. I wish you all the happiest 2017.
Peace & Love,
Jenn
One of the things recently that pushed me to writing was Carrie Fisher's death. She was very open about her mental illness and was not afraid to talk about it and laugh at herself, when appropriate. I still struggle with being open about it in person. It is easier for me to sit here behind the computer screen when I don't have to look people in the face and tell them what this life is like.
This is often my hardest time of year. Right now, though, the depression seems to have kept itself at bay for a while. The anxiety is what has made life a little difficult some days. In particular, I've had a lot of trouble going back to work after a break. In September, after summer break, I was physically ill for the first three weeks or so. In both November, after Thanksgiving, and just this week, I have gotten so anxious about going back to work that I was completely exhausted after the first day. The only way I can think of to explain it, is to tell you to tense your entire body up, then hold it that way for about 9 hours. I've run into the problem, again, of knowing I can't call in and say "Hey, I'm tired, I can't make it to work," but also knowing that I'm not functional.
This is also the time of year that everyone makes resolutions, or doesn't because they're too cliche, or makes resolutions but doesn't call them that because that's too cliche, or... At any rate, I'm no different from anyone else in feeling that there are things I want to improve upon. But one thing I have seen a lot of is the idea of choosing to be happy. I see memes and posts about this year 'round, but it seems I notice them more around the holidays. I can't tell you how much I would love to be able to choose happy everyday. Now, as I said, I'm not doing too badly, and I have more good days than bad, but if I'm in a funk, there is no choosing. I don't get that choice because my brain just won't let me. During the really low times, I wouldn't even categorize myself as "sad". My depression and anxiety come out as resignation. I don't really have emotions of any kind and often don't talk. I just have silent thoughts of worthlessness, helplessness and paranoia.
Please don't take this as me saying there's nothing I can do to help myself. For one, I have the biggest support in the world in Jonathan. He knows me well enough to get me whatever it is I need, even if I don't want to need it. I also can fight it. I don't always win, but that doesn't stop me from trying. A lot of people will compare mental illness to other illnesses and say things like, "You wouldn't tell someone with cancer to just get over it." No, you wouldn't. But you also wouldn't tell them it's ok to give up without a fight. So I fight. Every day I make the decision to fight again. Some days the fight is easy, and some days it sucks the life out of me. But I will keep fighting. I fight because, when I'm in a good place, I know that I have people and things to fight for: my husband, my little boy, my family, my friends, my cats, my job, and the list goes on. In remembering what is worth fighting for, I remember that I have worth also. Even on good days, I don't always believe that, but I continuously try to learn it.
If you've read this far, thank you. Writing this is therapeutic for me, but it also makes me feel like I'm doing the smallest thing to erase the negative stigma from mental illness. I write to show the reality of it, but also to show those who also suffer that it's possible to live a full life with it. I won't apologize for it, and I won't let it define me. It's only a part of who I am. I wish you all the happiest 2017.
Peace & Love,
Jenn
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