Since my last post, my world has been turned upside down. That sounds like hyperbole, but it's really not. In my head I am constantly thinking of reasons for why certain things happen and, in this case, I can think of many. I can already tell you the positive things that have changed in my life because of two life-changing events.
The first event happened on April 21st. After about a month of blood tests, X-RAYs and a bone marrow biopsy, my husband was diagnosed with multiple myeloma. This is a type of cancer in which the bone marrow produces "bad" cells that affect the growth of "good" cells. Yes, it's more complicated than that, but that's the gist. On that day, I literally (and yes, I mean literally) kept waiting to wake up. Most people with this illness are over 60. The most serious thing Jon had ever had before this was an ingrown toenail. He was immediately started on a regimen of drugs. Doctor's appointments were made, lab appointments were made and suddenly our world revolved around cancer.
Remember the "shit hitting the fan" post? Well that was April 22nd. I had a breakdown that left me unable to breathe, and unable to see anything but pain in my future. I kept thinking "What a tragedy." We are a couple who knows what they have is special. We are not perfect, but at the end of the day I am truly in love with him, and he with me. I spent 5 years waiting for him to see what I already knew was there. And now after 5 years of marriage that's being taken away? It's not fair. Why us? <enter further questions and complaints here>
The next day was the first day of a new life. We accepted a "new normal". We were originally going to keep it somewhat quiet, but then we realized how many people it affected in one way or another. After telling everyone, it was clear that the benefit of telling them was not for them, but for us. The outpouring of support was overwhelming. We knew we were loved, but now we feel surrounded by it. There is a lot more to this story, but I have a site on Caring Bridge and chances are if you know us, you've seen it.
The reason I titled the blog the way I did is because this is a phrase I often hear people say when going through something. I also used to use this phrase, as though it excused any crazy I was feeling because, well, people just didn't understand. But I stopped using it a long time ago for two reasons. The first is that, well, duh. Of course I don't completely understand because I'm not you and you're not me. Everyone is different. Even my husband and I are different and our ways of dealing with this are different. So of course I don't completely understand. Then comes the second reason: every time someone has said this to me, I have felt that there was nothing more I could do for them. They don't feel I understand, therefore I couldn't possibly help. But this is so untrue, and I have never felt that more than in the last 2 months.
The second thing that happened was that I lost my job. As much as I could sit and contemplate why this happened or feel inadequate about my skills at a teacher, the truth is I will probably never know the reason. Maybe I really wasn't that good. Or maybe it was something else, but it really doesn't matter. I can't change it whether I understand it or not. The one thing the principal did do for us was ensure a guaranteed sub position for me so that I am guaranteed pay as well as benefits until the end of January. He didn't have to do that and I am so grateful he did.
Many people have mentioned a benefit and we had, at first, not thought we would have one. Now that I have lost my job and will be losing insurance at the end of January, that will probably change. We will probably try to plan one this year yet to hopefully raise money so we can afford to go on COBRA and not have to change insurance.
Anyway, as far as I am concerned, I have kept the depression mostly at bay. I think this has been good for me in that I now have to take care of Jonathan. He always took care of me and I think I allowed that to make me complacent and not stay on top of how I was feeling. I will admit that when things get the best of me, it comes out in anger. I have had a lot of crabby days where everything irritates me or I have a very short temper. I am hoping to find an outlet for that now that I am no longer working.
I mentioned in the beginning of this post that, despite the devastation that came with Jonathan's diagnosis, good things had happened. Here's a list:
-I have reconciled with God. I am praying again and talking to Him. After everything that happened last summer at the church, I included God in my anger and bitterness toward the church without realizing it. I have never needed Him more. On April 22nd when I was in the midst of hyperventilating and sobbing, I begged God to show me that He was there. I begged for the "sign" that people beg for in the movies...and I got it. The next morning and external peace surrounded me. I can't really explain it but I knew, no matter the outcome, that I would be okay, and that things would be okay.
- A forgiveness that I didn't think I was capable of occurred. I attribute this to God as well. He knew that I needed that in order for my family to get what they need.
- What we needed was God and church and community. We have felt that and experienced that in a way that is inexplicable. I am a visual person, and the only way I can try to explain it is picturing all the people we love, plus people they love and then people that those people love standing around us in a circle with their arms clasped and exuding light toward us as we stand in the middle. What an energy it is. That energy doesn't live here on Earth.
- I have realized that I need to stop being complacent. As much as I like teaching, I never enjoyed it as much as I enjoy performing. Jon and I have started writing again. I plan to start gigging again. We are also going to travel as much as possible. We are no longer going to wait for that better day. Life was already good, it's up to us to make it even better.
Lastly, I now firmly believe there is no coincidence. I may have gotten let go from my job, but it was because of that job that we found Jon's cancer. It was because I didn't take the job and move to Arizona last year that I got this job. A few weeks ago Jon went into kidney failure. He woke up in the middle of the night with unbearable pain and we took him to the ER. He spent the next 6 days in the hospital while they tried to get his kidney working again. The one thing they could never explain was his pain. Despite being in kidney failure, nothing that was happening should have caused pain. Yet it was the pain that took us to the ER.
God is with us, every day, every minute, every second; and we are so grateful for it.
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