Who are you today?

Let me start this blog by saying that I am so grateful for having some sun the last two days!!!  Looking forward to more tomorrow.
I went to my doctor the other day for the first time since I said goodbye to him last summer thinking I was moving to Arizona.  I kept meaning to make an appointment and kept forgetting and had plenty of refills so I kept putting it off.  Let me tell you a little about this man.  He is fantastic!!  He has known me, and been my doctor, for about 22 years.  I met him when I was in the hospital at the age of 16 and felt he was a better fit than the doctor I had been seeing.  I trust him more than I trust most people because he knows everything I've been through.  Anyway, he has this way of just looking at me and saying "How ya doin'?" that makes me suddenly be able to verbalize how I'm doing.

I wouldn't say that I've been exactly depressed lately, but I've been blah.  I've been unmotivated.  I've been that color of eggshell that they paint every room of an apartment.  It's not ugly.  It doesn't clash with anything. It's just there.  That's me.  So he decided to up one of my meds and see if that gives me the push I need.  I also recounted the story of how we ended up not moving to Arizona, which, of course, made me a little sad. I have been daydreaming and craving and yearning for a warm place in the sun.  I even will sit and search for airline tickets for various warm places...I can't afford them of course, but a girl can dream.

Now that the sun is out, I have realized yet another thing about myself that is affected by days of gray and cold: my patience. The last two days with my son have been wonderful.  I have had fun with him and even when he was naughty, I didn't flip out or get really angry.  We have had good talks about why something was wrong and what should be done about it, rather than just sending him into a time-out and yelling at him.  The fact that I have realized this makes me glad for the last 2 days, but makes me sad for him.  He loves me so much.  He wants to be around me all the time.  Yet, I know I'm not as good to him as I should be.  I know that my moods affect him too and that makes me feel terrible.  I would walk in front of a bus for this kid, and yet I can't get it together enough to pause before acting or speaking.

I also am terribly moody with the constant change in weather.  I don't just mean in days, I mean in one day. For example, my husband and I went to a funeral in Milwaukee.  Despite the somber reason for the drive, it was a nice drive there and back with just the two of us.  In fact, my husband enjoyed it so much that his mood changed a little when we picked up our son.  That sent me on a downward spiral for the rest of the night.  As the night got darker, so did my mood.  And now I feel sad and anxious, which is a horrible combination.  I also tend to not want to talk or be talked to...sorry, honey. Hopefully sleep will help.

My anxiety has been on the rise because I know there are things that I need to be doing to lead a better life overall, but my life is so unorganized that I just don't know where to start.  I've been planning to get back to our budget for months, and I even re-started it last week, but it continues to lie on the kitchen table unfinished.  I need to get back on the eating-well wagon.  I need to write my music history unit.  I need to work out.  And yet, all I seem to have energy for is my couch.

I feel like this entry has been more of a rant than anything tonight, so I will try to leave this on a lighter note.  The other night I had a long talk with a friend I hadn't spoken to in a while.  His wife is mentally ill (not the funny part) and is much worse off than I.  I was talking to him about my troubles this time of year with not wanting/being able to go to work.  Having so little energy or feeling so poorly that I just can't fathom going to work, but, of course, can't call in and tell them exactly what's wrong. (Thank God for online sub requests)
So I was discussing with him different ways which I could call work and tell them I'm not coming in in a humorous way.  Please note that this is my way of dealing with what is sometime debilitating, so please don't take me seriously.

"Hi, I can't come into work today because I'm sad."
"Hi, I can't come to work today because I"m not allowed around sharp objects."
"Hi, the little voices told me I can't come in today."
"Hi, I can't come to work today because I'm insane, but will you let me be alone with children tomorrow?"

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.”
                                                                                              –Eleanor Roosevelt

Food

It is amazing to me how much control food can have over a person.  There is a direct correlation between how I'm feeling emotionally and what goes into my mouth.  Last week was a pretty good week mood-wise. I started on a new eating plan and was very motivated and doing well.  It just so happens that the weather was quite nice last week and even got into the upper '40s.  Then the weekend came, and socializing turned into over-eating.  Saturday night it was dinner and the theater with friends, Sunday was lunch for Mom's birthday and Sunday night was our weekly dinner after choir rehearsal.  Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that my choices are anyone's fault but my own.  I'm just saying I realize my own weaknesses.  Now it's the next week, but the motivation is gone.  And the winter weather is back.  UGH!  I was so proud of myself last week, as was my husband.  I was picturing myself fitting into smaller clothes and having more energy.  It's not that I don't want that, but that the less motivation I have, the more disappointed I am in myself and the more the cycle continues.  I haven't found that one thing that always motivates me yet.  Motivation breeds motivation, but you have to have the initial motivation first.

On another slightly-related note, this winter is KILLING me.  EVERY year, I say I can't take another Wisconsin winter.  Last year we made the brave decision to move to Arizona and I was SO excited to not have to deal with another winter.  But things didn't work out financially, so here we are.  While I am glad to be close to family, and everyone has said they're glad we stayed, I long for that warm weather and sunshine. But now I feel stuck.  I feel like we proved that we can never leave because a) if one of us gets a job the other might not get one in time, b) We had to borrow money to be able to move in the first place and we can't do that again, and c) I have a great job that is getting us where we need to be.  So what's the answer? This may be a stupid question, but how do other people afford to move across the country?  I also feel like I'd be letting so many people down at this school if I left.  This position has been vacated so many times; I don't want to add to that.  But something has to change.  Many have told me to get one of those lights, but I don't know that that would solve the problem.  I can sit in front of the light, but as soon as I move, the cold and snow will still be there.  I get very sick of the feeling of not wanting to go anywhere or do anything.  I'm sure my son is sick of me feeling that way as well.  But right now I'm just stuck.