Finishing and what it means to be SAD

I started this blog over a year ago.  Started and never finished.  Never posted anything. 
I am not a finisher.  I never have been.  I have watched people surpass me in so many areas of my life and do things that I want to do.  I got a degree in journalism, but I didn't want to compete for the jobs in that competitive field.  I took all the classes for my Master's degree but never finished my thesis. I wanted to teach college, but chickened out and am now trying to find a way to finish my masters at a different school because my last advisor is not a fan (and who can blame him?). I am constantly planning ways to organize my house and my life and I actually picture myself doing it (that's right, I PICTURE it!), but sitting on the couch always wins.  I have work to do for school, small tasks I need to finish for health insurance and even just the small task of calling to make an appointment, and yet I am constantly lured to that glowing box across the room where people are living the life that I want.  Or drawn to the pages of the latest murder mystery. Or, yes, I spend hours on Facebook continuously refreshing my news feed. Whatever it is, someone else's life, no matter how fictional, will always win over the small day-to-day tasks of my life.
But even to type that sounds ridiculous.  All of it.  Not getting things done for TV.  Thinking anyone can have a life easier than mine.  I have a wonderful husband, a job I love, a beautiful son and have been blessed with amazing friends and family.  So what is my problem you ask? 
Through this blog I will try to explain to you where this all comes from and the journey that I started over 20 years ago.  I am doing this for a few reasons.  The first is just to get the story out of my constantly-jumbled brain.  The second is to hold myself accountable and be able to see trends and habits that I want to change in myself.  And the third is because I've been told that my story could help people, particularly adolescents starting a similar journey. 
So why have I not published yet?  Because depression, anxiety, ADD and mental illness in general is a taboo subject, even in 2014.  People tend to either want to fix you, think you have the ability to will yourself to be well, or they don't know what to say or do and end up feeling sorry for you.  Then there are those who also think you are just vying for attention.  I'm not looking for any of that.  I am more well-versed in my illnesses than anyone and even I don't always understand them. But perhaps this can help you understand, empathize, or just know that there is someone else out there dealing with similar issues.
Now let's be honest...I am a psychiatrists nightmare...or wet dream.  I have so many letters after my name I SHOULD be a professor.  Unfortunately those letters include ADD, SAD and don't actually make me qualified to teach anything.  I was blessed with the mental illnesses past on by generations on my mom's side.  It's actually so prevalent that it is a family joke. 
You would think I would start at the beginning, but not today.  Today I'm going to talk about today.  Today is a SAD day.  You would think I would see it coming, since I deal with it annually.  But I never do.  I literally wake up and feel completely different than the day before.  It is no longer obvious that I have a blessed life.  Suddenly all the little quirks of my husbands that I love have become annoying.  The job that I couldn't wait to get back to after break is too overwhelming to face.  And my son, who makes me smile almost all day every day, becomes the recipient of my lack of patience.
SEASONAL AFFECTIVE DISORDER = SAD
I remember minute details of a lot of this journey, but I don't remember when this started or when I was diagnosed with it.  All I know is that it comes every year, I never know when it will arrive, and it seems to last longer every year.  In case you are not familiar, SAD is a form of depression that comes in the fall and winter months when there is a lack of consistent sun. It comes on top of my already diagnosed clinical depression and often cuts through any effect that my medications provide.  I lose interest in leaving the house, socializing, and even daily tasks like showering.  If left to my own devices, I will either sleep all day, or watch TV.  I have discovered that often what helps is forcing myself to do things.  As I said, I often picture myself getting things done, but never leave the couch.  Forcing myself usually gets some momentum behind me.  So today, I'm forcing myself to write this blog.
Last summer I was offered a job in Arizona.  I hated the thought of leaving my family and friends behind, but the thought of constant sunshine was the ultimate decision-maker for me.  Every time I told someone, they said "Well yeah, it's sunny, but it's hot! And what about your family?"  No, see, you don't get it.  I don't just like sun, I NEED it.  Every spring, as I begin to emerge from my SAD fog, I say I can't spend another winter in Wisconsin.  So when things didn't work out, I was very happy to be staying close to family, but dreaded what I knew would come. 
People like me get very good at disguising our emotions for the general passersby.  But out in public, we can often get short with people, or just not very sociable.  So think first before you judge that person that got crabby with you, you never know what they might be going through.
As I continue to babble I will add one last thing.  A large part of depression is gaining/being overweight, and a large part of being overweight is depression.  For me they go hand-in-hand and create a very large catch-22.  I know that exercise would make me feel better, but honestly can't muster the energy.  So another part of this journey is my fight, and hopefully my eventual conquering of my weight issues.
As I said before, if you're reading this, of course feel free to comment, but remember I'm not looking to be fixed. And please, for God's sake, don't feel sorry for me.  I just know that I'm not the only person out there like me, and I think it's about time mental illness ceases to be a taboo topic.  I don't want to live my whole life thinking I may be able to help someone feel less alone, but deciding against for fear of judgment.
I will leave you with a quote that I think has become my motto, by a woman that I have long admired:

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.”
                                                                                                                        –Eleanor Roosevelt