If any of my choir friends are reading this, the title has meaning for them. "Please Stay" by Jake Runestad is a song that the choir I am in is performing this fall (I'll leave a link to a video below). Our content for this concert, as I mentioned in my last post, deals with the pain, desperation, and healing of suicide. As you might guess, this hits me on two levels. The first is as someone who has lost loved ones to suicide. My student, Audrey, died a year and a half ago on a Saturday. The day before that, I had been talking to her about how she wanted to move to The Netherlands after she graduated. I still wonder how we could have stopped it. My friend, Matt, who was my first "real" boyfriend, died 4 years ago. We lost touch, but that doesn't seem to matter when you lose someone.
The second level is that I have been the person these songs are talking about. It was about 6 months ago that I left a choir rehearsal to sit in my car and cry. When my friends came out after rehearsal, I told them I had been trying to think of ways to kill myself. That night it came on fast and strong. I had been fine until I wasn't. Luckily, I have a husband and son that love me fiercely, and friends that I adore that catch me when I fall. Not everybody feels like they have that, even if they do, and that brings me to the point of today's post.
Please stay. There were a lot of tears in the choir room on Sunday when we sang this. I know we all have our reasons. At the very least, everyone knows someone who knows someone that has been affected by suicide. At the worst, they were reading words they wish they had heard. That was me.
I remember my mom coming home when I was 16 and I was sitting on the floor in the hallway with a knife in my hand. I had already made some superficial cuts, but when my mom called the doctor, I couldn't promise that I wouldn't take it further. All I wanted to hear from someone was, "please stay". When I was in grad school staring at the bottle of pills on the counter, all I wanted to hear was "please stay". Now, I am not saying I didn't have a good support system, and I'm certainly not looking for sympathy. I had an excellent support system. I have an even better support system now. But people don't know what to say to you when you tell them you want to die. Some people play it off like it's a joke, some ignore it, and in others you can see the pain of wanting to say the perfect thing, but they just can't think of it.
There is no perfect thing, and you can't save everyone, but if you know someone is hurting, those two words will go a long way. Even if they haven't expressed thoughts of suicide, tell them you want them to stay. If it's someone you love fiercely and you just can't help them, tell them you want them to stay. If you are reading this and you feel depressed, desperate, hopeless, or even suicidal, don't give up - Please Stay.
Please Stay by Jake Runestad - https://youtu.be/17Ywn3ImcYE
Wishing you all peace, love, and light,
Jenn
Tuesday, September 11, 2018
Tuesday, August 28, 2018
Mental Illness Isn't a Dirty Word
Greetings! It's been a long time but I've been compelled lately to start writing again. There have been a number of factors that have led me to this: a concert my choir is performing on suicide prevention, recent suicides of friends of friends, and starting a new school year, which would have been Audrey's senior year.
If you're new here, I'm Jenn, and I am surviving with mental illness. Before I get started, I am not a medical professional. This is just my story. This is how I live, and survive, with the brain I was given. I was diagnosed with chronic depression at 15, generalized anxiety disorder a few years later, and a couple years ago (I'm 42 now), ADD. I started this blog originally to put the subject of mental illness out in the open. There are still so many people that won't talk about it. It's gotten better since I was in high school, but it is still a taboo topic. It's hard to tell someone that the thoughts in your head aren't "normal". It's hard to say, "Hey, I feel helpless, I feel hopeless, I need help." It's hard to explain to people what it feels like. For me, when I'm at my most depressed, my brain tells me that I'm worthless, that no one loves me, and, sometimes, that the world would be better off without me. When I'm at the peak of anxiety, just outside of an anxiety attack, think of how you feel when you're on a roller coaster that's about to go over the peak (no pun intended) and drop. It's that feeling, but all.the.time.
Recently, I've had more anxiety than depression. By the way, I have had the same doctor since I was 15, and that's been a HUGE part of the reason I'm able to talk about this. Anyway, I've kind of reached the max of meds on anxiety, and yet I still have that "roller coaster" feeling all day most days, but I'm learning some different ways to deal with it.
My point of this post, no matter how delayed, is that you CAN survive (and THRIVE!) with mental illness. Now, I'm aware that there are MANY conditions worse than mine that make this much harder, but I feel like my situation is not that uncommon, it's just not talked about. If you are reading this and you have anxiety or depression and you're feeling discouraged or hopeless, you CAN survive this! The biggest way I get through this is my support system. I have amazing friends that understand (and tolerate) my moodiness and quirks and love me anyway. I have an AMAZING family, some of whom deal with this themselves. My husband, who never dealt with this type of thing before he met me, knows all the signs of a "bad day". He asks me about it and makes sure I talk about it and don't get lost inside my own head. If you do not have this kind of a support system, FIND ONE NOW! If your friends and family don't understand, find a support group in your area. Call a help line. Hell, leave a message here and I will listen, I promise! The point is, there is someone who will listen and won't tell you you're crazy.
Also, I'm not talking about just finding this support system when/if you're feeling suicidal. If you've ever had a day where you just feel hopeless and unloved, find support. If you've had that "roller coaster" feeling for days at a time, find support. If you can't get out of bed and you don't know why, if you're crying for no reason, if you're in physical pain that makes no sense, or if you just need someone to talk to, FIND SUPPORT! Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Always remember, even when your brain tells you otherwise, you are loved.
I'll end this here, but I do plan to write more often. I've even considered doing a vlog or podcast so that people can see that a "normal" (I hate that word) life is possible with mental illness. There is support, there is help, and there is love. In the meantime, here's a song that I love to listen to, well anytime, but especially when I'm having a bad day. You Will be Found
Peace, light, and love,
Jenn
If you're new here, I'm Jenn, and I am surviving with mental illness. Before I get started, I am not a medical professional. This is just my story. This is how I live, and survive, with the brain I was given. I was diagnosed with chronic depression at 15, generalized anxiety disorder a few years later, and a couple years ago (I'm 42 now), ADD. I started this blog originally to put the subject of mental illness out in the open. There are still so many people that won't talk about it. It's gotten better since I was in high school, but it is still a taboo topic. It's hard to tell someone that the thoughts in your head aren't "normal". It's hard to say, "Hey, I feel helpless, I feel hopeless, I need help." It's hard to explain to people what it feels like. For me, when I'm at my most depressed, my brain tells me that I'm worthless, that no one loves me, and, sometimes, that the world would be better off without me. When I'm at the peak of anxiety, just outside of an anxiety attack, think of how you feel when you're on a roller coaster that's about to go over the peak (no pun intended) and drop. It's that feeling, but all.the.time.
Recently, I've had more anxiety than depression. By the way, I have had the same doctor since I was 15, and that's been a HUGE part of the reason I'm able to talk about this. Anyway, I've kind of reached the max of meds on anxiety, and yet I still have that "roller coaster" feeling all day most days, but I'm learning some different ways to deal with it.
My point of this post, no matter how delayed, is that you CAN survive (and THRIVE!) with mental illness. Now, I'm aware that there are MANY conditions worse than mine that make this much harder, but I feel like my situation is not that uncommon, it's just not talked about. If you are reading this and you have anxiety or depression and you're feeling discouraged or hopeless, you CAN survive this! The biggest way I get through this is my support system. I have amazing friends that understand (and tolerate) my moodiness and quirks and love me anyway. I have an AMAZING family, some of whom deal with this themselves. My husband, who never dealt with this type of thing before he met me, knows all the signs of a "bad day". He asks me about it and makes sure I talk about it and don't get lost inside my own head. If you do not have this kind of a support system, FIND ONE NOW! If your friends and family don't understand, find a support group in your area. Call a help line. Hell, leave a message here and I will listen, I promise! The point is, there is someone who will listen and won't tell you you're crazy.
Also, I'm not talking about just finding this support system when/if you're feeling suicidal. If you've ever had a day where you just feel hopeless and unloved, find support. If you've had that "roller coaster" feeling for days at a time, find support. If you can't get out of bed and you don't know why, if you're crying for no reason, if you're in physical pain that makes no sense, or if you just need someone to talk to, FIND SUPPORT! Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Always remember, even when your brain tells you otherwise, you are loved.
I'll end this here, but I do plan to write more often. I've even considered doing a vlog or podcast so that people can see that a "normal" (I hate that word) life is possible with mental illness. There is support, there is help, and there is love. In the meantime, here's a song that I love to listen to, well anytime, but especially when I'm having a bad day. You Will be Found
Peace, light, and love,
Jenn
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